Rage. ADD. Rage.

Maybe it's just time to vent, you know? This post is going to be like a fueled ADD rant that never seems to end, has horrible punctuation, and is probably just painful to read. But, it is what it is. Buuuuut, before we get into all that, I have to post a photo right quick. I said I'd have a new tattoo photo, and never posted one. Soo, here it is; http://tinypic.com/r/205xjlg/5

Just go to the link, it's easier that way. Anyways.

Man, what a fucked up, death-filled year. First off, in July my cousin killed himself. Why? Nobody knows. It's just an overall fucked up situation. So, I bury him then. THEN, in August, another one of my cousins dies, and I get to bury him a day before my birthday. Awesome, right? But you know what was the worst part of my birthday, and the two birthday's before, or maybe it was three. whatever. Was not having you there.

I wish I could express to you how much I truly miss you. Like, I don't even feel complete anymore, as cliche as that shit sounds, it's pretty fucking true. & its like, I've come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never see you again, and I'm cool with that. But I can't help but wonder "what if?" All of the fucking time. I'll be doing something, and you'll randomly pop into my head, and it's like you're stuck there for hours, days, weeks. I can't get you out of my head. And it kills me. I hung up my cork board the other day, and there was a little something still attached to it, that I can't even bring myself to take down and throw away. Not at all. And it's fucking gay. It's those fucking tickets from when we went to that Pinks event. Oh, and a cedar point bracelet from when we went, and we ran into shawn. that fuckin' homo, haha. It's like, they're so simple, so... worthless, even. But I can't bring myself to throw them away. Nor can I get rid of the one single polaroid photo I have of you, from like 06/07, maybe a little later. I don't remember, it's tucked away some where. But, I just can't get rid of it. I've tried. I've tried to get rid of everything. But some things I just can't. Maybe it's my way of dealing with the loss, or dealing with the fact that it'll never be again. Who knows. I don't. Maybe you do. I doubt it though. It's been like 3 years since I've seen you, and even longer since I've told you I love you. I'm sorry, but I do. Still. Even through all of the bullshit.

When we talked a few weeks ago, and you told me what was going on. I was seriously super worried about you. Like, I wanted nothing more then to just help you out. I'm sorry. It's whatever though.

Maybe it was the drugs talking. Maybe it was what I've still got tucked away inside speaking. I don't know. But between my surgery, and just trying to escape everything, I've run back to the drugs.

The drugs.

They never tell me no, they don't turn away from me, they don't walk out on me. I'm hopeless, helpless. But I find so much comfort in them. I can't turn them down, I can't run away from them. They give me that warm feeling of comfort, that I haven't felt in so long. While I'm high, I'm happy. Nothing bothers me, everything is "all right." But then I come down, and seriously feel like killing myself again. I don't have the balls to do it, but fuck man. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, it would definitely be whatever.

I feel stuck. I feel lost. I feel... nothing.

Just one conversation.
One hug.
I just want to know you're all right.
Even if it's not with me.
I want to know you'll be okay.
I want to know you're happy.
That's all I want.
It's too much to ask for, I know.
But, one can hope, right?

In 08, I lost my bestfriend. Both of them. Hell, three of them. My life is like a fucking country song. But it's like, I miss Steven so fucking much, man. And my dog. Like, what the fuck. Everything has to go at once? Tragedy comes in threes? Who's fucking rule is that? Fuck you, whoever made that shit happen. Seriously. I hope you get fucked with a chainsaw.


I'm still working, technically. But I've been off on medical leave, since I had shoulder surgery. But I'm trying to go back to work this week, I'm going fucking stir crazy and shit just sitting in the house and doing stupid shit.

Oh, and fuck Christmas. Fuck your "happy holidays." DIAF.

Maybe I should seek out some help, to try and calm my ass down some? But, fuck those people too. I'm too stuck in my ways, and that's what ruins everything I touch. But fuck it, shit happens.

Maybe one day I'll be content. Maybe.

Game Over.

Fuck it. It's a wrap. I'm done with the games, I'm playing for keeps. New tattoo photos coming soon.

Make it.

Make up your fucking mind. Jesus.

Hm.

Fuck you.

LMAO - Where I used to live...

A Johnson City, Tenn., woman has been charged with child abuse and other charges after Carter County deputies received complaints that she had forced her 5-year-old child to smoke a cigarette in early May. Jordon Paige Hensley, 24, was charged with child abuse and neglect, disorderly conduct and possession of Schedule VI drug.

...I don't know if it's the same one I know, but when I lived there, I knew a Matt Hensley that knocked up a girl named Jordon. Lmfao, only in Tennessee would you read about some shit like that. And they say the south is going to rise again. Ahahaha.

Black Rose.

Girl: Whatever happens in the end I don’t want to lose you as my friend.
Guy: I promise I will never be your friend no matter what. Ever.

[Verse 1]

It was December 24th when my chest caved in
And my everything called to say, “Let’s stay friends.”
Well, not quite, she used me beautifully
And with that empty tone she can sing my eulogy
And now I feel like I’m ugly once again
Her excuses start to fill my empty stomach to the brim
The room starts to spin and I cry till I dry-heave
I am a dying piece of her past
Just another band-aid, she needs to relax
Until she justifies my pain with a reason that lacks
See, I just wanted her to see herself like I do
Beautiful but she speaks her lies in haiku
So resurrect me, teach me where to go from here
And I will script to melody with meanings that are so sincere
Her frozen tears are streaming down the sculpted ice
Giving me the coldest bite every time I hold it tight
I’m masochistic when I love you till my heart bleeds
I’ll love you till I break when I’m running from your sharp teeth
I’m out of breath as I hang onto the broken glass
Picking up the pieces being strangled by a photograph
And she’s a black rose trapped in cracked roads that can’t grow
But still I’m lost in her splendor and I’m an idiot minus the savant
When I’m trying to move on but choose not to remember

[Interlude]

Guy: Wait a second. Where are you?
Girl: I’m here.
Guy: I didn’t say you could come here.
Girl: Can I come there?

[Verse 2]

I spent the midnight admiring your crooked edges
Juggling with history and times that we mistook as head trips
And look for exits from green eyes that haunt me
At these times of wanting to idolize your good intentions
It’s not a friendship, it’s a see-saw torment
I’m down on all fours for it and she’s all for it
I used to find a little piece of solace in your breathing pattern
Fair in war and love but you cautious when you reached the latter
Weren’t you? Love, do you believe in angels?
Or just an instability and using me to scapegoat
I held your flaws and the beauty that you mangled
And I told you that I loved them just so that you could see your halo
And when she lies I’m a casualty of that
And when she said she loved him I felt my galaxy collapse
I’m dancing to the heartbreak, while echoes make a point of it
I’ve never felt like this
I think about you in these nightmares and daydreams
Holding onto memories in times where we’d make peace
But you’re a pantomime, witch-hunt for truth
You have so many faces tell me which one is you
And you can be with him or anybody else
But they will never love you the way that this somebody felt
But now it’s over cause he finally broke the surface
I just want to say goodbye and that I really hope it’s worth it

[Outro]

Girl: If we fuck I’m gonna feel like shit tomorrow.
Guy: That’s okay with me.
Girl: I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
Guy: I don’t care.

-----

Funny how close some songs hit to home, eh?

Peep the song;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFLW-rxH2wM